The Sky is Falling!

Or at least, I felt like it. Trying to find out what afflicted me was difficult enough. But I honestly thought it was just my vertigo being very persistent.

I used to be a medic in the Army so when I was describing my symptoms to a doctor during our shift (back in 2004) and he said vertigo, it sounded correct. At the time, my only symptom was a seemingly random bout of dizziness. It would always go away after a few hours, so it wasn't too worrying. I was feeling dizzy more often lately, but it would go away after a couple of hours. It always went away.

Except for now. It wasn't going away!

Last year (2019), I still convinced myself that this was just vertigo and nothing else. I honestly never suspected Multiple Sclerosis. I really can't emphasize enough just how unexpected this diagnosis was.

I thought something was wrong with me, but I'm dramatic and I thought cancer. I know, no imagination.

I'm obese and in my late thirties, so this conversational diagnosis before my current age and weight gain seemed to make sense at the time. Except, this year, 2021, vertigo no longer made sense. At least, not on it's own. If I'm being completely honest, it sounds so cliche, but the knowledge that they suspected MS but didn't want to tell me was so out of left field for me.

Plus, the time it takes the VA to get things done...the whole thing just seems so unreal now.

All I know is that one day in September of '21, I was very dizzy and one day turned into two days, then three and it still was not going anywhere. The feeling was honestly miserable. My head was aching and the world would just not stop spinning. I very much hate going to the emergency room, but I could not get an appointment to be seen. With no available appointment, I saw no choice other than clogging up the emergency room. I felt so dumb telling them my symptoms and the wait just made it worse. They go by severity, yet I was here cause I have a headache and dizziness. I started to doubt myself with each passing minute.

Thankfully the doc came by and listened, then said he was going to discharge me, because he agreed that it was just vertigo. My husband started to question this decision and asked if he isn't going to run any tests. I felt mortified but the doctor said all was good and walked out.

Of course we began to argue. But I wanted to go home. Then, the doctor came back and said that he discussed my symptoms with his colleagues and they were in agreement that they should at least get a CT scan to rule out something more serious. This seemed to satisfy my husband, despite making me more uncomfortable. But I was quiet as we waited.

When they finally took me back for the scan and we awaited the results, my husband started unloading all his grief and suspicions on me. Until the doc came back and explained that I would need to have a Neurologist look at my scan and potentially order more tests if necessary. But right now, there was "increasing grey matter" in my brain and this potentially required an MRI.

I tried to calm myself but then I couldn't get a follow up until January. Then the VA called to schedule a lumbar puncture, which I had no idea about. No one could give me a straight answer about who ordered this or why and then the puncture was supposed to be scheduled for March, but the Neurologist I'd never met, wanted it done before we meet. It was a scheduler who read the notes indicating they suspected MS before the gravity of the situation hit me. Everyone else skirted around this information intentionally. I questioned their silence, because what the fuck? But with something to look into, I went into things with a goal! Because it made sense to me that the Neurologist would want the tests before our appointment.

So I called back every day until they got me in before my appointment. One week before, but it would have to do. Of course I had concerns about being paralyzed or worse, but these procedures were relatively safe. Right?

Anyhow, they were very unprepared, despite doing this for a living.

Regardless, the doctor was nice, I wore clean, untorn panties and the nurse was exceptional. Several came in and annoyed me. But the one who finally was assigned to me was very receptive to my situation and mood. I wasn't rude, but she seemed to understand that I was very nervous and preoccupied. She helped me to understand my own situation a lot better and I appreciate her for that. By the time the doctor saw and explained my diagnosis, I half expected it. It didn't make it any easier, but it was something that made sense. Something my previous doctors didn't piece together but all laid out together, made so much sense. Now the issue is finding our more, because what is MS?